im kinda in a pissy mood and im not exactly sure why that is. i got a test back today and it was graded on a curve and i got an a instead of the b i earned. i have a presentation tomorrow and i wrote the paper for it yesturday and someone deleted it off the computer i was using and so i had to re write it just now and now...andrew is rewriting that because its just not good enoutgh for him. i knew he was going to rewrite it anyways so i dont think thats why im pissed either. i dont know but i have to work at four and im at school waiting for him to get back so i can leave. i dotn want to stay i just want to ditch out and go have a fucking smoke. i feel like hitting someone in the fucking face right now. fuck. i had too much caffeine or something. seriously i need to have a smoke or hit something. now! im going crazy. i dotn want to be around him right now because im in a bad mood and i dont want him to freak out on me for being all pissed off. seriously i need to calm the fuck down right now!!! ok well im all cracked out and im going to go now. fuck. hes all were talking when i come back in here. im like what the fuck ever.
outback was gross as i expected...yuk! i went and got some cereal so i could eat this week wahoo!
is single again and hes asking me if i would have gone to idaho if we were still together..of course i would have gone with him..i kinda still do want to...derek is great some of the time but i need that stable relationship stuff...like what me and jonathan had...i do miss him and i wish he would have not broken up with me..he dould have done what i told him when we were together at the very egingin...i told him no matter what i say to you dont you ever let me break us up..and he went and broke up with me and we both regret it...we would be at one and half years right now...well in tow weeks...there is this guy at school that is really nice to me and i want to be his friend but derek thinks im in love with him or something...hes just a nice guy...hes the smartest person in the class and hes a tutor for the school and i just really would like to be his friend and i cant...but derek is hanging out with his ex gf and hes telling her he loves her and shes all obsessed with him..this is so dumb..so much fucking drama...my life was not stressful up until i lost jonathan...he kept me stable and now i have lost control and i dont know how to gain my control back...i have turned into a really mean person since i have been with derek...im mean to my sister and my dad and i dont want to be mean to them..they mean the most to me..and i havnt been able to see julie like at all..derek doesnt like her so he doesnt liek when i go over there and shes my best friend she helps me get throught his kind of shit and she wont even talk to me very much anymore because hes always around trying to control me
so the day after my stuff got stolen i went and looked in the woods with chris and derek..when we went down the trail chris found my cds and then after the mile hike we came back adn derek spotted my cd player under a portapotty thing...then the next morning dereks mom was taking his sister chelsea to school and chelsea saw all my books and backpack and scrubs all over the street at the end of the road..so i have all my shit back..it must of been someone that just hates me b/c they didnt do anything with my shit...w/e im excited...wahoo!
all my shit got stolen yesturday out of my car yesturday..all my school books and scrubs and cd player adn cds and im fucking pissed the cops arent going to do shit about it they dont give a shit...i guess i have to go through the woods and look for my backpack and books and shit..im really upset about it....i dotn know what the fuck im supposed to do about it...fuck whateve...
this week and last week we did the math unit..it was gay..im glad its over and now i can relax for a while...now were going to do the computer programing shit...yes!but we dont even have the programs at school...so we were supposed to go on a feild trip to a pharmacy but their too busy to have any cool people in the pharmacy this time of year...whatever i was excited.
so i started college last monday and its pretty damn exciting..even though its not real like four year shit..its just 9 months and the last six weeks is an externship...which is working 40 hours a week for free...bullshit..anyways im in computer class right now thats all i had last week and its all i have this week then i start my pharmacy class next week...i finished all the work im supposed to do this week and so im learning how to use excel whoop whoop! but yea i dotn know anyone who posts on here anymore and yea...lameness...but newho class is starting...
peace out yo
I donít know what I really want to do with my life anymore. I know I want to go to school still but do I have the passion and patience for it? I know I could not handle living with my grandparents because I would never ever be able to do anythingÖI want to be able to go out and stay out late and stay the night wherever I want. I want to do that now. I donít want to stay home because I cant do what I want here either. I want to stay somewhere if I want to Iím 18 I should be able to do whatever I want. If I moved out I would be doing whatever I want I would be sleeping wherever I want and with however I want. I have to go so far to get to school from here. But there is no way Iím staying with my grandparents. What I want is to stay at Julieís house. But that wont happen because my family is not supportive of that idea because Julie is not going to school. Which sucks because I want her to. That would be so much fun to go to school together but no her mom made her not go. Faggot. I really like Derek I hope we get past this period of gayness. He doesnít believe what I say and he is so sexy I donít know how to talk to him. I get all nervous about what t say to him because I think he will think Iím so stupid. Why do I feel like that? I mean he thinks Iím hott too. So I should make him feel like he doesnít know what to say to me either. Right? I have lost control of this life I had planned out. Marry Jon. Have kids. Be a pharmacist. I donít know anymore. Will he come back to me? I donít know if I love Derek. I know I love Jon. Love is an everlasting thing. I will never stop loving Jon. I want him to understand but he wont talk to me anymore. Maybe I should just let him cool off. And let him call me on his own time. I feel bad but I needed this I needed a break. But he made it a permanent break because he cant handle off and on. Even though this would have only been a few weeks. I was scared I was going to do something with Derek. Now he broke up with me so there wasnít any reason not to mess around with Derek. And I did and it was great. Its scary to me that he is so sexy and so nice to me. I donít know if this is real. But he says he feels the same way. I think we dove into this really fast. It was only the second time we hung out that he spent the night. I wish I could go back a few months and start hanging out with him then so we would be better friends. Maybe that is why we donít have anything to talk about ever. We donít know any of the same people. I couldnít choose Jon over Derek because he was here and Jon is gone. I couldnít handle how weird work would have been if I told him we had to stop what we were doing. I though it would be easier to just end it after a few weeks and not tell Jon but Derek really likes me and I didnít want to pass up the chance of having anything better than Jon. But I was with Jon for a year and its hard to be with Derek because I assume things to be the same with him as it was with Jon. But its not because we donít know each other that much. So we cant be as comfortable around each other. Derek is going to be a senior this year. I wonder if he will graduate. He says he has to get his GED because he doesnít have enough credits right now to graduate normally. Julie doesnít really talk to me anymore and its hard for me to talk to her because she is always doing shit and she isnít going to school so Iím kind of mad her. I wan to have what we had but we never see each other anymore. Iím ready for her and me to go to school together and she isnít going. Why did she have to mess that up? Maybe we can go back to the plan of living together and being big whores and partying all the time. That sounds good right now. I want to get drunk it has been so long since the last time I did.
ok so last time i blogged was in may so yea...me and jon were doing fine he is still in florida but we just broke up the other day...this guy derek from work spent the night about a week ago and we got too friendly ..but i was really alright with it and i tried to tell jon i wanted to take a break for a while and he said no its all or nothing and made a huge fucking deal about nothing...i didnt tell him about derek so he was derek have been inseperable ever since...i spent the night at his house a few days ago and my dad was pissed because i didnt call and ask and then last night we went to kah nee ta and we spent the night in madras at a mexi motel...it was really fun being out on our own...i got to be all cool and use my credit card...but we came home this morning and spent the day at his house and i came home and my dad was mad but he said that i could only use the car for work now..but besides that he didnt really freak out..it was sweet i thought he was going to rip me a new one or something...lol...me and derek work together at fred meyer's..he pushes carts at night..i start school in a month i think im going to stay here and just ride max to school everyday...then ill work at night...my dad doesnt think i should work while i go to school and that sounds awsome but i need as much money as possible to save to move the fuck out...i didnt want to move in with my grandparents and my family wont let me live with julie so now i found out my dad would like it if i stayed home and so ill try it for a while and see how things go...my dad is being gay about me not being home...so i guess even though im 18 i cant spend the night at dereks...even though he told me when i was 18 i could do whatever i want and now that the time is here he wants to change his mind..whatever..derek is super hott and i really like him its crazy to find someone who is actually a decent peson and is really fucking hott. he is a rick solid stick of sexyness..that doesnt sound hott but he is...he just got out a serious relationship so we decided not to jump right into things..well we already did...i guess to go slow with the whole emotions thing...we like each other a lot and he thinks im really hott and he is really fucking hott...he is so nice to me and he says im too nice to him...but it could just be words i know that...but ill see how things go...i bought the nova from my dad..well i gave him $1,000 and i still owe him $1,500...so im about half way...i need to do a lot of work on it...derek says he will help me .. he knows a lot about cars..my dad likes that about him...lol...ok well im out of things to talk about....derek is off work at 11:15 so im waiting for that to come...